The DIET!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Monday 15th January. I'm past the 14th deadline that I gave myself to start the new year diet. I pledged to lose 2lb a month in my New Year resolutions list.

So here I am. I've started.

One of my brothers who diets every year in time for his summer holiday has very firm rules on dieting: You don't diet at Christmas, you don't diet at Easter, you don't diet on holiday, you don't diet on your birthday, and losing too little each week is boring. It works for him, it's reasonable advice and he is, unlike me, a successful dieter, so as such he must have something right.

My slimming battle has been less simple, because I can safely say, that other than for a few weeks here and there, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, holidays and pregnancies (I always lost weight when I was pregnant and regained when I was breastfeeding contrary to popular medical beliefs), I have been on a diet for the past twelve years. My venture into the weight battlefield began shortly after second daughter, child number three was born.

I had tried dieting before then of course, but, in your teens and early twenties, you put on a few pounds, take it seriously for a few weeks and it's gone. Even after Eldest Daughter and Eldest Son Only Son was born I lost weight relatively easily. In fact a year after his birth I was thinner than I had ever been in my life, and loved myself. Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to find a single photo of that era (Summer 1993) to prove that I was actually thin and still looked young.

After second daughter, third child was born, it all changed. I changed. My body changed, and I have been on the fat and slightly less fat rollercoaster ever since.

Of course, many who look at photos of me will not realise that I am now (and it really makes me cringe to say this) three stone more than I was aged thirty. That is because I fortunately still have a relatively slim face and upper body, and after many years experience I am very very good at a: dressing to deceive, and b: putting children in front of me when I have photos taken, or only allowing head and shoulder shots so as to avoid a Princess - or Lady as she was then - Diana moment, when I eventually hit fame and fortune, and have old photos posted in the media.

However, in truth I am frustrated. Healthy eating plans are my second name, I have tried every miracle cure for slimness ever written (and some not written), I have put myself through exercise regimes, healthy eating plans, tried surviving on what could only be described as an adrenalin and water diet for quite long periods of time, tried avoiding certain food groups, tried Atkins, Hay, Harvey and Marilyn Diamond, The Food Type Diet, The GI Diet, The Cabbage Soup Diet, Weightwatchers, Slimming World, E Diets, and Unislim when I was in Northern Ireland ........... to name but a few. I know all the rules. I know you are not supposed to weigh yourself more than once a week, (but still weigh myself daily - just in case overnight I have dropped three stone. I live in hope.) I know that you are not supposed to refer to any of these things as "diets" and that healthy eating is the thing. Yes of course it is, but the point is to lose weight, and YOU can call it what you like, but we from the fat club know that diet is actually short for: "Eating a sensible diet that keeps control of your eating habits in such a way as to ensure good nutrition, and in turn produce weight loss at a healthy and safe rate." But let's face it, it's a bit of a mouthful to say: "Eating a sensible diet that keeps control of your eating habits in such a way as to ensure good nutrition, and in turn produce weight loss at a healthy and safe rate" every time, so for "diet", please read: "Eating a sensible diet that keeps control of your eating habits in such a way as to ensure good nutrition, and in turn produce weight loss at a healthy and safe rate.".

We wouldn't want any confusion now would we.

In the meantime, I'm going to go for the low carb, GI ish option. I won't call it Atkins because I'll get billions of comments telling me that it is unsafe. Don't worry readers. I will follow an "Eating a sensible diet that keeps control of your eating habits in such a way as to ensure good nutrition, and in turn produce weight loss at a healthy and safe rate" plan, but it will be a low carb version of "Eating a sensible diet that keeps control of your eating habits in such a way as to ensure good nutrition, and in turn produce weight loss at a healthy and safe rate".

The reason for this is because I have decided that my pancreas not only needs a rest, but, as it is clearly shooting out insulin faster than you can say hot dinners, frankly, if I don't do something drastic soon, it might just go pop. Or worse, it could be me that goes pop, once I reach my final balloon size.

So here goes. And, if I haven't lost 24lb by Decmber 24th (because you can't diet at Christmas - oh I know. I KNOW!!. But it's o.k because I'll still follow an "Eating a sensible diet that keeps control of your eating habits in such a way as to ensure good nutrition, and in turn produce weight loss at a healthy and safe rate")plan, version of not dieting at Christmas...........) .............. I'll cry.

And then I'll find a BIGGER child to cover the damage in the Christmas photo.