It's all down to "Feng Shui"

It's all down to "Feng Shui" I said to Hubby.

"Oh right" he said. With Hubby of course there is actually a continual subtext. As a sort of "nearly a proper actor, maybe someone will spot me one day" type I have over the years done quite a few workshops where you improvise the subtext of what the character is really saying. I always find those exercises quite easy myself. I just think of Hubby's subtext moments and "hey presto" we have a result.

Of course, the subtext on this particular occasion was...." Yet another HBS*. Smile sweetly and agree. She'll move onto something else quite soon."

"We need to change the front door colour" I said.

"Oh" he said. Subtext "What is she going to suggest now"?

"I've been reading up on it." I went on. "It faces west and a little bit to the south, which means that gold or white would be a good colour. Probably white. I don't fancy gold."

At that the subtext moments stopped.

"You can't change the colour of the front door" he protested.

I looked at him. He was serious. And of course, he was right. We live in a Georgian house which is grade II listed. The "You must have a BLACK front door" has been engraved into the "What you are allowed and what you are not allowed to do with your house" book in the Forest of Dean council offices. And of course, added to that, it has always been black for over 200 years. Or currently a slightly off black greyish in need of a paint version of black. But black. Definitely black.

I knew that I'd lost that one. The front door had to stay as it was however "un feng shui".

"The thing is" I went on "is that our house is a bit of a Feng Shui nightmare.

It's not pronounced "Schwee" Mum. It's Schway. Feng "Schway" said Sensible. "Oh, right" I said. It's a nuisance being older sometimes. I get all sorts of things wrong. I like to call Gok Wan for instance Gok "warn" as in "arm", but apparently that is wrong too. It is perhaps a right of passage though to pronounce things wrongly. My mother is a expert at it. Everyone takes delight in her "pittzzas" for example with her emphasis on the double "T" and she is of an age where she either doesn't hear or doesn't really care. Probably the latter. She has always called them pittzas. She likes to call them pittzas and even though the rest of the world calls them pizzas, she will continue to call them pittzas. Good for her. And when I get to the purple hat age, I too will relish being able to call things what I like and be too "deaf" to hear people correcting me. But right now, while I'm in the middle bit of life still I suppose I still have to try to conform.

"OK then" I said. Feng "Shway" nightmare.

And, according to the experts, it is.

You see, the front door faces the back door, which to all intents and purposes is sort of another front door, it being a double sided house, which means that the money comes into one side and out of the other, which it certainly does for us. And then the staircase is in the right place for one door, but in completely the wrong place for the other. In other words it is directly opposite the back door, or the other front door, which apparently means that the "chi" goes straight upstairs, leaving the downstairs devoid of all the good stuff.

Then there is the question of the doors themselves. The ideal is that you use one door for almost all of your outgoings and incomings. Well ... that's great if you are one person with one job and nothing too complicated to manage. Try a family of nine residents, all with different missions, all with different reasons for entering and leaving the house, all at different ages and not one, or even two, but three very used doors. Some of the family catch buses from the front of the house, some get into cars, using the side door. Some just go and play in the garden, using the back/ other front door and some walk to places using any of the doors available.

Oh dear...

"Oh for goodness sake Mum. People were burnt at the stake for believing in such stuff not so long ago" said ESOS. "It's all mumbo jumbo."

"O.K. then clever clogs", said I. "So why, since living in this house has all the money literally come in through the front door and disappeared out of the back, when before we lived here we were reasonably comfortable, for a little while at least?"

Meanwhile Sensible came back into the room.

"Mum? Why is your necklace hanging from the ceiling?"

"It's a "crystal" I explained, to divert the energies. It will help the fact that at the moment they are all going from front to back, up the stairs and in my lady's chamber and stuff."

"It looked nicer round your neck." She said.

"Yes, well I am going to order a proper one for the purpose, but I thought that it would do for now."

"I think it looks fine." Said Hubby. Subtext: "She really has gone completely mental this time. Best not say too much. Just wait for the men with the straight jackets to arrive."

"Well, what we really need is a round table there" I said.

So, today I got our white metal round garden table and plonked it in the middle of the hall. And I decided that I could actually put conservatory type furniture into that bit of the hall and make a feature of the fact that it opens onto the garden. In essence I would in fact make no pretence of the fact that I would be directly copying, with limited resources, my lovely friends in Effingham, who have a tailor made very posh and stunningly beautiful new garden room in their house.

Gymnast arrived home. I explained my plan for my "sort of" garden room. "Oh, awesome" she said. "It'll look cool." One vote at least.

"Mum, why is the garden table in the middle of the hall?" said Tinkerbell Mushroom. "It's Feng Shui" I said.

"Feng What?"

I got one of those "Mum has really lost it this time" looks. And then "Oh...What's for dinner?"

True to form, Hubby said nothing derogatory. He just smiled and said. "Yes. Feng Shui." Subtext: "Silly old bat. Where are those men with the straight jackets?"

To which of course, my subtext was: "Wait and see. Just because not every person in China is a multi millionaire doesn't mean that Feng Shui is a load of baloney. You never know just WHAT might be around the corner..."

*Hair Brained Scheme